ajremix | [drabble][Bleach, Ikkaku, Hozukimaru, PG-13] Pwned

Title: Pwned
Fandom: Bleach
Rating: PG-13 for language
Word Count: 474
Characters: Ikkaku, Hozukimaru
Summary: Inspired by the National Geographic Channel’s “Fight Science” and the post-geeking thereof. The trials of trying to learn a hard-to-control weapon.

The hysterical laughter was drowned out by pain shooting through his skull.

“Ow- mother fucker!” He threw the linked staff to the ground, clutching at his face.

Hey! The voice tried to be indignant through the laughing. That’s no way to treat your partner!

“Some partner!” Ikkaku probed his nose, trying to feel if it was broken. “Yer a sadistic bastard’s what you are.”

You’re not bleeding, Hozukimaru told him with amused patience, but you’re gonna have trouble explaining that nice red mark going down the middle of your face!

“Thanks fer enjoyin’ this!” He got up, stalked over and kicked the staff. “Useless fuck!”

Who’s useless? You’re the one that can’t even swing a simple stick around!

“A stick would be better than you! I swing a stick, it won’t come back and hit me in the goddamned face!”

The zanpaku tsked. You lack control. And patience. And skill. And a brain. But I’m not holding it against you.

“YES YOU ARE!” Ikkaku exploded, hands gesticulating wildly as he yelled at the three-sectioned spear. “Every chance ya get yer always hittin’ me in the shin or the head or my ribs- an’ don’t think I forgot when ya got me in the junk!”

I don’t know what strange, pre-conceived notion you have about a zanpaku’s ability, but I assure you that I can’t move in your plane of existence on my own. And even if I could, I wouldn’t go out of my way to make you look a fool. Believe you me, you don’t need the assistance. So while you may have some sub-conscious issue with your… ‘junk’, I wouldn’t benefit from your inability to handle a weapon.

“Well how the hell am I supposed to get ya to work!?”

Hozukimaru sighed and thought maybe they should actually be getting serious about training. Let’s take it slowly, shall we? You’ve already proved to have some competence with a spear so you’re not a complete loss.

“Oh well thanks fer the vote of confidence.” But, all grumbling aside, he picked the staff back up anyway. “What am I doin’?”

Let’s start with the beginning and take it one section at a time. Fold the sections until you’re holding all three in one hand. That’s right. Because of the compactness, this is the most versatile of forms allowing you to use a weapon in close quarters. Here you can block and thrust. You can do quick motions from the wrist, from the elbow or, using your whole body, swing from the shoulder. Good, good, just like that. Once you’ve mastered how to transition from these three distinct strikes with ease and unpredictability, I’ll tell you how to work with two sections.

“Alright,” Ikkaku said dubiously, getting the feel of the swing, “but catch me in the nuts again an’ I’m findin’ a wood chipper.”