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ajremixGreat googly moogly, is that sum updates up in here? Why yes, yes it is. Now that the semester is done, hopefully I can get to regular or at least semi-regular updates.
Title: The Inventor 08
Fandom: DCU
Rating: PG
Word Count: 3845
Characters: Ted, Booster, J’onn
Summary: Eras don’t end, they merely change. Sometimes you need to break to heal.
Prologue
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
For the rest of the night and well into the morning Ted was doing a pretty good job of berating himself and was still doing so when a knock came on his door, interrupting a particularly scathing stream of self-insult. He debated for a long moment if he wanted to answer or pretend he wasn’t there, then stretched out that debate in the off-chance the other person would leave before he came to a decision.
“It’s me,” J’onn’s distinctive voice called out, “I know you’re there.”
Well, since the decision was made for him... Ted rolled his eyes, shoving himself off the bed. “Alright, hang on.” After opening the door, Ted, with little preamble, went back to the bed and threw himself down on it again.
After it became apparent that, asides from a huff, Ted wasn’t going to do or say anything else, J’onn took it upon himself to take a nearby seat and say, “You missed your morning appointment.”
“Yeah, I figured that’s why you’re here.” A hand waved absently. “Not going, don’t care what anyone says. I’m using my ‘the world can fuck off and die for the day’ card.”
“Your fight with Booster went that badly, did it?”
Ted turned his head just enough to give J’onn a one-eyed glare. “Did Dick warn you about it, or did Booster tell you? Or did you just pick it out of my head?”
“Nothing of the sort. The both of your are emoting very strongly. Anyone with any level of empathic abilities- or, for that matter, that know either of your subconscious tells -can pick up your emotional distress even unintentionally.”
“Well, fine then!” Ted threw his arms into the air, snarling at the ceiling, “Go ahead and tell me I’m stupid. Tell me I’m an idiot and thoughtless and made a mess out of everything and I’m so damned stupid!”
“I cannot call you what you are not.”
“Not true. I’ve done that plenty of times.”
J’onn, far too used to Ted’s snark-coping mechanism, merely said, “I meant that the both of you dealt with the situation in a manner that was logical for your respective positions. Just because it ended in conflict doesn’t make either of you stupid.”
Ted’s brow furrowed and he lifted himself to his elbows. “So you’re saying that this was inevitable?”
“From what I know of the situation, yes, I do.”
“Care to explain to the rest of the class, then?”
“It’s really very simple,” J’onn folded his hands together, his black eyes steady and calm on the human before him. “You claim that you skipped these two years in an instant. For you, you were with Max one day, the next you were back Stateside. It is logical for you to continue on as you always have because, in your mind, you did not die and no time was lost. But for Booster, you had been gone for two years. In all that time he had to accept the idea that you had died and you were never coming back. He changed in direct response to your loss, he grew in ways to fill that emptiness inside him that you left behind. And then you returned, acting as you always have because all that time didn’t happen for you and everything Booster had gone through, all the changes he had to endure-“
“It was like none of it mattered because I acted like they didn’t exist because for me, what caused it didn’t.” Ted flopped back on the bed again, this time with his hands pressed against his head. “I really really am an idiot.” A finger shot up, anticipating J’onn’s mild protestation. “Just because I acted in a way that was logical for my situation, the fact that I didn’t think of what Booster was feeling gives me and anyone else enough right to say I’m an idiot. Ignorance doesn’t excuse stupidity.”
With a little smile, J’onn conceded, “No, I suppose it doesn’t.”
“So then... what do I do? He doesn’t want to talk to me, hell- he can barely even look at me. How am I supposed to fix this?”
Taking a long moment to turn the question over in his head, J’onn eventually had to say, “I’m afraid I don’t know. At the crux of it, it’s Booster’s feelings towards you that is the cause of this. The depths of his compassion has always made him vulnerable, doubly so when it comes to you. It may be that if you acknowledge what he’s had to go through and are more considerate of his emotions it will help him overcome the turmoil he’s feeling. That same depth and vulnerability, however, could just as well cause him to shut down around you because he knows what he had to go through after losing you once and could very well be unable to cope with the possibility of losing you again.”
“Thanks, J’onn,” Ted said weakly, his pallor somewhat sickly at the thought he might never get Booster back, “I forgot how good you are with these pep talks.”
“Would you prefer I set you up for a potential let down?”
“Honestly?” There was a tone in Ted’s voice, an edge to his emotions that was dark and sinking and even more intense then the depression and self-doubt that J’onn knew tended to afflict Ted off and on. “I really just want my best friend back. If not, I don’t...” he swallowed hard, admitting to frightened epiphany, “I don’t know what else I came back for.”
It was a sobering fact at what Ted’s life had become, what his relationship with the other superheroes had become before his disappearance that would make him think that and J’onn felt no small measure of guilt for helping to make him feel that way.
He leaned forward in his seat, saying gently, “Ted.” When the man looked at him, he didn’t even try to hide the wetness of his eyes and J’onn found himself reaching out to squeeze Ted’s shoulder. “I have faith in the both of you.”
Ted squeezed his hand back and said, “Thank you,” and didn’t say “I wish I did, too”.
~*~*~*~
Coming back to the Tower after so long being away wasn’t nearly as painful as Booster feared and with Ted’s return and his alleged Ted-ness becoming more real by the day, all their old teammates were in a friendly, nostalgic mood, talking animatedly to Booster as if he was the one they thought had died (a growingly vindictive part of Booster wanted to ask where their bleeding hearts and crocodile tears were when he supposedly died, but didn’t want them to start asking the hows and whys). That was how Booster ended up spending a day hanging out with Wally or having dinner with Bea or doing whatever with whoever stopped by to see Ted only to find he was too busy being studied to have visitors.
It kind of made Booster resent Ted. Ted who had more friends in both the caped and civilian community, who despite having a secret identity never really had to hide who he was, who had people crying at his funeral and at his return. Ted who was his best friend and who Booster loved deeply and who everyone always liked and took more seriously and Booster was never going to get their respect because Rip was making him play the eternal fool-
“Argh,” Booster dropped his forehead against the wall of his room, goggles around his neck, “stop it. Just stop.”
He knew the whys, he’d accepted them some time ago and Booster had come realize that there had only really ever been one person whose opinion he truly cared about- Ted’s. Now that she was back, also Michelle, but it had always been Ted.
“And now I’m scared of him. What is wrong with me?”
He was alone in his temporary room, idly fiddling with a card Dinah had given him. When Ted would go to Gotham to visit Barbara- as he inevitably would, the hung-up jerk -Dinah invited Booster to lunch while the two got reacquainted, automatically assuming that Booster would go wherever Ted did, as if the two had never lived and worked and been apart before.
Well, he couldn’t fault Dinah’s intentions at least. After giving Booster the card with her number and Gotham address, she had taken one of his hands and said, “This kind of thing is rough to deal with, I know first hand. So if you ever need to just get away and forget about it all for a few hours, just let loose on some wrong-intentioned criminals and clear all the weirdness and confusion from your head, give me a call. I’ll help you out.”
And Dinah would understand. She’d know what it was like to have someone she loved deeply die and come back to life, and she had to fight their reanimated corpse (or corpsified body- some of that Black Lantern stuff didn’t make much sense to Booster). Wally could empathize. And Bea. So would Scott, if he called the up again and-
Booster slapped a hand to his face. Maybe he wasn’t being as convincing as he thought. Or maybe all the people that had loved ones resurrected knew better than to assume he would be automatically okay with it all. Though it really didn’t help Booster figure out what he could tell them, he couldn’t find the words to say why he was afraid even as he knew his fears were unfounded and silly. Ted was alive and healthy. There were no time snares, no dark rings, no tricks or hallucinations. Just warm, comfortable Ted with his easy smiles and expansive laughter and corny sense of humor. Just Ted who hadn’t changed from the day before he was killed so unexpectedly.
Oh yeah. Booster was handling this swimmingly.
Seriously, though- what was he going to do? Was Booster going to allow his fears to drive him away from Ted now that he was alive again? Was there any way to stop that fear? Was it possible for Booster to stop giving himself a splitting headache because part of him was instinctively wanting Ted’s advice while the other part kept screaming ‘no, no, he’ll only break your heart all over again!’?
There was a knock on the door. Booster froze because the knock wasn’t coming from the main door, but the one attached to the tandem room. And, yeah, so it was a pretty stupid idea to hide in his room from Ted when Ted’s own room was right there, but Booster didn’t want to deal with anyone else, either.
“Booster?” Ted called out faintly from the other side of the door. “Are you there? Could you open up?”
Booster couldn’t speak, his throat knotted up so tight he could barely breathe.
“Look, buddy, I...” it was almost unfair how well Booster knew Ted because, even being in opposite rooms, he knew what Ted was doing. He knew how Ted would stand, the dart of his eyes as he spoke. He knew that Ted’s forehead was braced against the doorframe, arms hanging limply at his side, mouth an uneven line with emotion creasing the edges. “I’m sorry. I never really thought about what you were going through or what you were feeling. I knew that you thought I was dead, but it never really hit me because I never thought of me as ‘dead’. But I should’ve known it would be tough on you- the entire situation was hard on you. I came back because I could tell you were having a thin time of it. I knew it, but I never really acted like it and I’m sorry. I never meant to hurt you, Booster, and I’m really hoping you’re in there because I’d rather not be heartfelt to an empty room and if you are there, please open up. I want to at least apologize to your face, if nothing else.”
Before Booster really knew what he was doing- before he could stop himself -he was at the door, easing it open. Seeing Ted’s face looking as raw and worn and bared as Booster felt made him fight back the pricking of his eyes.
“Hi,” Ted said to the sliver of Booster’s face he could see in the doorway.
“Hi,” Booster replied.
“Can I come in?”
“...yeah.”
Booster stepped back, well away from the door so that when Ted entered, there was a clear buffer of space between them. It hurt to have that space there, but Booster still couldn’t bring himself to touch Ted and so just wrapped his arms around himself, looking at Ted’s knees to keep from seeing his eyes. They stood awkwardly together, neither really knowing how to broach the subject.
“I’m sorry,” Ted eventually blurted out. “I’m really sorry, Booster, I didn’t-“
“I know.”
“I should’ve... I don’t know, we both should’ve handled this better and I’m sorry it came down to this and I’m sorry I was inconsiderate and kept pushing you like that. It’s just, I missed my best friend.”
Booster flinched, glaring as if his heart had been twisted around. “Shut up,” he hissed, voice thin and tight in the back of his throat. It was like Ted didn’t understand at all. “Don’t you dare say that to me. You don’t know a damn thing that’s been happening so don’t you dare try playing that card with me! Not now, not ever!”
His fists were clenched so hard they were trembling against his thighs. Booster squared his jaw and it took far too much effort to will his emotion back, to keep it from quivering the hard line of his mouth, the span of his shoulders, to keep it from making his eyes grow bright with tears. With a soft curse, Booster turned away, sitting heavily on the bed and covering his face.
“Goddamn you, Ted,” his words were threatening to break themselves open, hands cupped over his eyes as if Ted wouldn’t be able to tell he was trying so damn hard not to cry. “You don’t get to say that. After all this time and everything I’ve gone through, you don’t get to come back and say that to me. It’s not fair.”
“Booster-“
“Two years, Ted. I’ve had to live without you for two years.” Every part of Booster tightened- his fingers against his head, his jaw tensed hard, his body as if he wanted to curl in on himself, away from the rest of the universe. “You don’t know how hard it was. Every moment hurt. Some days it didn’t even seem worth getting up. Every little thing reminded me of you and reminded me that I didn’t have you anymore and it hurt so damn much.” Sobs hitched on the edge of each breath and tears traced down Booster’s cheeks. “Every time I saw you or I thought I saw you, it just tore me up. Broke my heart every day I couldn’t touch you or hear you laugh or just know you were there. Nothing could make it better, nothing stopped the hurt.
“I needed you, Ted. How much you filled my life scared the hell outta me, but I didn’t care so long as I had you back. You were the only one that understood me. You were the only one that felt like home and then you left me. Twice. I just... I couldn’t deal with it anymore.” Booster laughed, a bitter, painful sound. “I needed you so badly I started talking to goddamn Batman. The guy that caused yours and Dimitri’s and I don’t know how many others’ deaths because he was too damn paranoid and he was the only one I could talk to! Do you know how sick that is?”
Ted fidgeted, hands clenching and unclenching, blatantly keeping himself from moving to hold Booster, but Booster could see it in Ted’s eyes- he wanted Booster to pour out his grief so Ted could lock it away somewhere where it could never haunt either of them again.
With a sniff and uneven breath, Booster wiped futilely at his face, but the tears kept streaming. “I thought having Shel would make things easier but it’s been ten years since she died. She was just like I remembered, but I was practically a stranger to her. It was so hard relating to her again because I changed so much, just like things changed since you were gone so you don’t get to say you missed me because that’s pretty much all I’ve been doing for two damn years! You left me, not the other way around! So don’t you dare tell me that!”
Ted sidled forward, watching Booster clench his teeth, failing to stem his tears. “Booster,” he said, name catching in his throat. He reached out cautiously, letting his fingertips trace the ball of Booster’s shoulder followed by the flat of his palm and when Booster let out a wet gasp, Ted practically fell on the bed and against Booster’s side, pulling his best friend into a tight hug he wouldn’t have been able to fight his way out of.
He didn’t even try, just pressed his face into Ted’s neck and cried, entire body racked with sobs and he clutched at Ted desperately, as if he’d leave again. Ted clutch back, refusing ever let Booster go. “I’m sorry,” he whispered into Booster’s hair, burying his own tears, running his hands over shuddering shoulders and trembling back, gripping to let him know he was going no where. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I’m not going to leave you again, Booster. I swear it. Never again.”
~*~*~*~
There was something to be said about company that could make even a sterile, impersonal room like the temps in the Watchtower comfortable. Never mind that his shirt had damp spots or the cramp in his leg or arm that had fallen asleep. Having Booster pressed against him warm, pliable and heavy made Ted feel more relaxed than he had even before he skipped time. He idly ran his fingers through Booster’s hair as the other man leaned on him, tension having run out of his body with his tears. As comfortable as the silence was and as glad as Ted was that they had gotten to that point, it still didn’t address the source of the matter.
He lightly jogged Booster’s head with his shoulder. “Hey, buddy,” Ted said lowly, “you okay?”
“I guess,” came the worn reply.
“You wanna talk about it?”
“I don’t know what to say,” it wasn’t a dodge, but a simple admission.
“Tell me what you’re afraid of.”
Arms tightened around Ted’s waist. “You. Leaving.”
“I’m not going to leave you.”
“Sometimes it’s not your choice.”
Well, fair enough. “Alright, so long as it is my choice, I won’t leave you.”
Booster didn’t say anything but he pressed his face against Ted’s neck and sighed. “What are you going to do after this?” He eventually asked.
“Since I said I wasn’t going to leave you, I thought I’d go back with you. Is that okay?”
“There’s no where else you’d rather go?”
“What better place to be is there than the one that’s got my best bud?”
Ted felt a smile against his neck, small and fragile. “Dunno. If you come with me, Rip’ll be bossing you around.”
“Bah. Far darker knights than he have tried. At least with Rip I won’t have to worry about being eviscerated by a batarang.”
The smile grew, “I guess there is an upside.”
They fell into another long silence with Ted just idly petting Booster’s hair or shoulders. He could feel Booster’s smile vanish and could feel tension start bunching at the muscles of Booster’s back that Ted was unable to smooth out. So Ted just continued to soothingly stroke, waiting for Booster to do what he needed to.
“It’s kind of stupid, you know?” Booster said with a depreciating laugh. “I know you’re here and alive, but part of me can’t help thinking that this is all another dream and I’ll wake up and you’ll be gone again. Except it’s even worse because I know it’s not and I’m still afraid you’ll leave and I hate that I’m afraid. It’s just a sad, stupid jumble in my head.”
Ted couldn’t help himself, “You dream about me?”
Which was obviously the wrong thing to ask because Booster got tense all over. “Lots of times,” he said stiffly.
“Aw, Booster,” he playfully tugged at a lock of soft, blond hair, “don’t shut down on me. Tell me ‘bout some of the good ones.”
For a long moment Booster stayed quiet and Ted almost thought he’d ruined everything. Then, “You were there,” and Ted could tell that waking up to find it was a dream was almost as painful as the worst nightmares Booster had, “you were laughing.”
“What, that’s it? I’m pretty easy to please in your dreams.” He felt Booster’s smile again, just as he hoped. “Did we do anything cool, at least? Explore distant planets in the Bug? Or maybe we were pirates in your dream? Awesome, roguish pirates!”
“Your Bug isn’t space worthy,” Booster said, teasing on the edge of his words, “and I’d probably get sick on a boat.”
“You and your weak future stomach.”
“If stability is the price for abs this fine, I have no regrets.”
“You and every woman on the planet, I’m sure.”
“Why limit myself to just women?”
“You’re right. We shouldn’t deny the farm animals your abs.”
“You leave Lamby out of this. He’s a fine sheep.”
They chuckled at each other, refitting comfortably again. Then, before he could stop himself, Ted said, “I really missed you.” He felt Booster pull back and Ted started babbling. “I know, I know- I was the one that was gone and I’m not trying to belittle everything you had to deal with, I just... I missed you. I missed making you laugh and having stupid conversations with you and just... you being you and there and with me.”
When he looked up meekly at Booster (he couldn’t do puppy eyes half as well as Booster and Ted was determined to unlock the secret behind it because Ted couldn’t be the only one susceptible to Booster’s ultimate weapon), Booster was smiling at him.
Not a grin, or something edging on laughter, but soft, a smile that spoke of a million deep emotions and it made Ted’s heart trip over itself every time he saw it. He wanted so badly to say something, but was too afraid to push Booster any further than he already had.
Booster rest his head against Ted’s shoulder again, still smiling that soft, deep smile. “I’m glad you’re back.”
They eventually fell asleep like that, half propped against the wall and wrapped around each other and even if they woke up with krinks in their backs and necks, it was still the best day Ted could remember.
Title: The Inventor 08
Fandom: DCU
Rating: PG
Word Count: 3845
Characters: Ted, Booster, J’onn
Summary: Eras don’t end, they merely change. Sometimes you need to break to heal.
Prologue
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
For the rest of the night and well into the morning Ted was doing a pretty good job of berating himself and was still doing so when a knock came on his door, interrupting a particularly scathing stream of self-insult. He debated for a long moment if he wanted to answer or pretend he wasn’t there, then stretched out that debate in the off-chance the other person would leave before he came to a decision.
“It’s me,” J’onn’s distinctive voice called out, “I know you’re there.”
Well, since the decision was made for him... Ted rolled his eyes, shoving himself off the bed. “Alright, hang on.” After opening the door, Ted, with little preamble, went back to the bed and threw himself down on it again.
After it became apparent that, asides from a huff, Ted wasn’t going to do or say anything else, J’onn took it upon himself to take a nearby seat and say, “You missed your morning appointment.”
“Yeah, I figured that’s why you’re here.” A hand waved absently. “Not going, don’t care what anyone says. I’m using my ‘the world can fuck off and die for the day’ card.”
“Your fight with Booster went that badly, did it?”
Ted turned his head just enough to give J’onn a one-eyed glare. “Did Dick warn you about it, or did Booster tell you? Or did you just pick it out of my head?”
“Nothing of the sort. The both of your are emoting very strongly. Anyone with any level of empathic abilities- or, for that matter, that know either of your subconscious tells -can pick up your emotional distress even unintentionally.”
“Well, fine then!” Ted threw his arms into the air, snarling at the ceiling, “Go ahead and tell me I’m stupid. Tell me I’m an idiot and thoughtless and made a mess out of everything and I’m so damned stupid!”
“I cannot call you what you are not.”
“Not true. I’ve done that plenty of times.”
J’onn, far too used to Ted’s snark-coping mechanism, merely said, “I meant that the both of you dealt with the situation in a manner that was logical for your respective positions. Just because it ended in conflict doesn’t make either of you stupid.”
Ted’s brow furrowed and he lifted himself to his elbows. “So you’re saying that this was inevitable?”
“From what I know of the situation, yes, I do.”
“Care to explain to the rest of the class, then?”
“It’s really very simple,” J’onn folded his hands together, his black eyes steady and calm on the human before him. “You claim that you skipped these two years in an instant. For you, you were with Max one day, the next you were back Stateside. It is logical for you to continue on as you always have because, in your mind, you did not die and no time was lost. But for Booster, you had been gone for two years. In all that time he had to accept the idea that you had died and you were never coming back. He changed in direct response to your loss, he grew in ways to fill that emptiness inside him that you left behind. And then you returned, acting as you always have because all that time didn’t happen for you and everything Booster had gone through, all the changes he had to endure-“
“It was like none of it mattered because I acted like they didn’t exist because for me, what caused it didn’t.” Ted flopped back on the bed again, this time with his hands pressed against his head. “I really really am an idiot.” A finger shot up, anticipating J’onn’s mild protestation. “Just because I acted in a way that was logical for my situation, the fact that I didn’t think of what Booster was feeling gives me and anyone else enough right to say I’m an idiot. Ignorance doesn’t excuse stupidity.”
With a little smile, J’onn conceded, “No, I suppose it doesn’t.”
“So then... what do I do? He doesn’t want to talk to me, hell- he can barely even look at me. How am I supposed to fix this?”
Taking a long moment to turn the question over in his head, J’onn eventually had to say, “I’m afraid I don’t know. At the crux of it, it’s Booster’s feelings towards you that is the cause of this. The depths of his compassion has always made him vulnerable, doubly so when it comes to you. It may be that if you acknowledge what he’s had to go through and are more considerate of his emotions it will help him overcome the turmoil he’s feeling. That same depth and vulnerability, however, could just as well cause him to shut down around you because he knows what he had to go through after losing you once and could very well be unable to cope with the possibility of losing you again.”
“Thanks, J’onn,” Ted said weakly, his pallor somewhat sickly at the thought he might never get Booster back, “I forgot how good you are with these pep talks.”
“Would you prefer I set you up for a potential let down?”
“Honestly?” There was a tone in Ted’s voice, an edge to his emotions that was dark and sinking and even more intense then the depression and self-doubt that J’onn knew tended to afflict Ted off and on. “I really just want my best friend back. If not, I don’t...” he swallowed hard, admitting to frightened epiphany, “I don’t know what else I came back for.”
It was a sobering fact at what Ted’s life had become, what his relationship with the other superheroes had become before his disappearance that would make him think that and J’onn felt no small measure of guilt for helping to make him feel that way.
He leaned forward in his seat, saying gently, “Ted.” When the man looked at him, he didn’t even try to hide the wetness of his eyes and J’onn found himself reaching out to squeeze Ted’s shoulder. “I have faith in the both of you.”
Ted squeezed his hand back and said, “Thank you,” and didn’t say “I wish I did, too”.
~*~*~*~
Coming back to the Tower after so long being away wasn’t nearly as painful as Booster feared and with Ted’s return and his alleged Ted-ness becoming more real by the day, all their old teammates were in a friendly, nostalgic mood, talking animatedly to Booster as if he was the one they thought had died (a growingly vindictive part of Booster wanted to ask where their bleeding hearts and crocodile tears were when he supposedly died, but didn’t want them to start asking the hows and whys). That was how Booster ended up spending a day hanging out with Wally or having dinner with Bea or doing whatever with whoever stopped by to see Ted only to find he was too busy being studied to have visitors.
It kind of made Booster resent Ted. Ted who had more friends in both the caped and civilian community, who despite having a secret identity never really had to hide who he was, who had people crying at his funeral and at his return. Ted who was his best friend and who Booster loved deeply and who everyone always liked and took more seriously and Booster was never going to get their respect because Rip was making him play the eternal fool-
“Argh,” Booster dropped his forehead against the wall of his room, goggles around his neck, “stop it. Just stop.”
He knew the whys, he’d accepted them some time ago and Booster had come realize that there had only really ever been one person whose opinion he truly cared about- Ted’s. Now that she was back, also Michelle, but it had always been Ted.
“And now I’m scared of him. What is wrong with me?”
He was alone in his temporary room, idly fiddling with a card Dinah had given him. When Ted would go to Gotham to visit Barbara- as he inevitably would, the hung-up jerk -Dinah invited Booster to lunch while the two got reacquainted, automatically assuming that Booster would go wherever Ted did, as if the two had never lived and worked and been apart before.
Well, he couldn’t fault Dinah’s intentions at least. After giving Booster the card with her number and Gotham address, she had taken one of his hands and said, “This kind of thing is rough to deal with, I know first hand. So if you ever need to just get away and forget about it all for a few hours, just let loose on some wrong-intentioned criminals and clear all the weirdness and confusion from your head, give me a call. I’ll help you out.”
And Dinah would understand. She’d know what it was like to have someone she loved deeply die and come back to life, and she had to fight their reanimated corpse (or corpsified body- some of that Black Lantern stuff didn’t make much sense to Booster). Wally could empathize. And Bea. So would Scott, if he called the up again and-
Booster slapped a hand to his face. Maybe he wasn’t being as convincing as he thought. Or maybe all the people that had loved ones resurrected knew better than to assume he would be automatically okay with it all. Though it really didn’t help Booster figure out what he could tell them, he couldn’t find the words to say why he was afraid even as he knew his fears were unfounded and silly. Ted was alive and healthy. There were no time snares, no dark rings, no tricks or hallucinations. Just warm, comfortable Ted with his easy smiles and expansive laughter and corny sense of humor. Just Ted who hadn’t changed from the day before he was killed so unexpectedly.
Oh yeah. Booster was handling this swimmingly.
Seriously, though- what was he going to do? Was Booster going to allow his fears to drive him away from Ted now that he was alive again? Was there any way to stop that fear? Was it possible for Booster to stop giving himself a splitting headache because part of him was instinctively wanting Ted’s advice while the other part kept screaming ‘no, no, he’ll only break your heart all over again!’?
There was a knock on the door. Booster froze because the knock wasn’t coming from the main door, but the one attached to the tandem room. And, yeah, so it was a pretty stupid idea to hide in his room from Ted when Ted’s own room was right there, but Booster didn’t want to deal with anyone else, either.
“Booster?” Ted called out faintly from the other side of the door. “Are you there? Could you open up?”
Booster couldn’t speak, his throat knotted up so tight he could barely breathe.
“Look, buddy, I...” it was almost unfair how well Booster knew Ted because, even being in opposite rooms, he knew what Ted was doing. He knew how Ted would stand, the dart of his eyes as he spoke. He knew that Ted’s forehead was braced against the doorframe, arms hanging limply at his side, mouth an uneven line with emotion creasing the edges. “I’m sorry. I never really thought about what you were going through or what you were feeling. I knew that you thought I was dead, but it never really hit me because I never thought of me as ‘dead’. But I should’ve known it would be tough on you- the entire situation was hard on you. I came back because I could tell you were having a thin time of it. I knew it, but I never really acted like it and I’m sorry. I never meant to hurt you, Booster, and I’m really hoping you’re in there because I’d rather not be heartfelt to an empty room and if you are there, please open up. I want to at least apologize to your face, if nothing else.”
Before Booster really knew what he was doing- before he could stop himself -he was at the door, easing it open. Seeing Ted’s face looking as raw and worn and bared as Booster felt made him fight back the pricking of his eyes.
“Hi,” Ted said to the sliver of Booster’s face he could see in the doorway.
“Hi,” Booster replied.
“Can I come in?”
“...yeah.”
Booster stepped back, well away from the door so that when Ted entered, there was a clear buffer of space between them. It hurt to have that space there, but Booster still couldn’t bring himself to touch Ted and so just wrapped his arms around himself, looking at Ted’s knees to keep from seeing his eyes. They stood awkwardly together, neither really knowing how to broach the subject.
“I’m sorry,” Ted eventually blurted out. “I’m really sorry, Booster, I didn’t-“
“I know.”
“I should’ve... I don’t know, we both should’ve handled this better and I’m sorry it came down to this and I’m sorry I was inconsiderate and kept pushing you like that. It’s just, I missed my best friend.”
Booster flinched, glaring as if his heart had been twisted around. “Shut up,” he hissed, voice thin and tight in the back of his throat. It was like Ted didn’t understand at all. “Don’t you dare say that to me. You don’t know a damn thing that’s been happening so don’t you dare try playing that card with me! Not now, not ever!”
His fists were clenched so hard they were trembling against his thighs. Booster squared his jaw and it took far too much effort to will his emotion back, to keep it from quivering the hard line of his mouth, the span of his shoulders, to keep it from making his eyes grow bright with tears. With a soft curse, Booster turned away, sitting heavily on the bed and covering his face.
“Goddamn you, Ted,” his words were threatening to break themselves open, hands cupped over his eyes as if Ted wouldn’t be able to tell he was trying so damn hard not to cry. “You don’t get to say that. After all this time and everything I’ve gone through, you don’t get to come back and say that to me. It’s not fair.”
“Booster-“
“Two years, Ted. I’ve had to live without you for two years.” Every part of Booster tightened- his fingers against his head, his jaw tensed hard, his body as if he wanted to curl in on himself, away from the rest of the universe. “You don’t know how hard it was. Every moment hurt. Some days it didn’t even seem worth getting up. Every little thing reminded me of you and reminded me that I didn’t have you anymore and it hurt so damn much.” Sobs hitched on the edge of each breath and tears traced down Booster’s cheeks. “Every time I saw you or I thought I saw you, it just tore me up. Broke my heart every day I couldn’t touch you or hear you laugh or just know you were there. Nothing could make it better, nothing stopped the hurt.
“I needed you, Ted. How much you filled my life scared the hell outta me, but I didn’t care so long as I had you back. You were the only one that understood me. You were the only one that felt like home and then you left me. Twice. I just... I couldn’t deal with it anymore.” Booster laughed, a bitter, painful sound. “I needed you so badly I started talking to goddamn Batman. The guy that caused yours and Dimitri’s and I don’t know how many others’ deaths because he was too damn paranoid and he was the only one I could talk to! Do you know how sick that is?”
Ted fidgeted, hands clenching and unclenching, blatantly keeping himself from moving to hold Booster, but Booster could see it in Ted’s eyes- he wanted Booster to pour out his grief so Ted could lock it away somewhere where it could never haunt either of them again.
With a sniff and uneven breath, Booster wiped futilely at his face, but the tears kept streaming. “I thought having Shel would make things easier but it’s been ten years since she died. She was just like I remembered, but I was practically a stranger to her. It was so hard relating to her again because I changed so much, just like things changed since you were gone so you don’t get to say you missed me because that’s pretty much all I’ve been doing for two damn years! You left me, not the other way around! So don’t you dare tell me that!”
Ted sidled forward, watching Booster clench his teeth, failing to stem his tears. “Booster,” he said, name catching in his throat. He reached out cautiously, letting his fingertips trace the ball of Booster’s shoulder followed by the flat of his palm and when Booster let out a wet gasp, Ted practically fell on the bed and against Booster’s side, pulling his best friend into a tight hug he wouldn’t have been able to fight his way out of.
He didn’t even try, just pressed his face into Ted’s neck and cried, entire body racked with sobs and he clutched at Ted desperately, as if he’d leave again. Ted clutch back, refusing ever let Booster go. “I’m sorry,” he whispered into Booster’s hair, burying his own tears, running his hands over shuddering shoulders and trembling back, gripping to let him know he was going no where. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I’m not going to leave you again, Booster. I swear it. Never again.”
~*~*~*~
There was something to be said about company that could make even a sterile, impersonal room like the temps in the Watchtower comfortable. Never mind that his shirt had damp spots or the cramp in his leg or arm that had fallen asleep. Having Booster pressed against him warm, pliable and heavy made Ted feel more relaxed than he had even before he skipped time. He idly ran his fingers through Booster’s hair as the other man leaned on him, tension having run out of his body with his tears. As comfortable as the silence was and as glad as Ted was that they had gotten to that point, it still didn’t address the source of the matter.
He lightly jogged Booster’s head with his shoulder. “Hey, buddy,” Ted said lowly, “you okay?”
“I guess,” came the worn reply.
“You wanna talk about it?”
“I don’t know what to say,” it wasn’t a dodge, but a simple admission.
“Tell me what you’re afraid of.”
Arms tightened around Ted’s waist. “You. Leaving.”
“I’m not going to leave you.”
“Sometimes it’s not your choice.”
Well, fair enough. “Alright, so long as it is my choice, I won’t leave you.”
Booster didn’t say anything but he pressed his face against Ted’s neck and sighed. “What are you going to do after this?” He eventually asked.
“Since I said I wasn’t going to leave you, I thought I’d go back with you. Is that okay?”
“There’s no where else you’d rather go?”
“What better place to be is there than the one that’s got my best bud?”
Ted felt a smile against his neck, small and fragile. “Dunno. If you come with me, Rip’ll be bossing you around.”
“Bah. Far darker knights than he have tried. At least with Rip I won’t have to worry about being eviscerated by a batarang.”
The smile grew, “I guess there is an upside.”
They fell into another long silence with Ted just idly petting Booster’s hair or shoulders. He could feel Booster’s smile vanish and could feel tension start bunching at the muscles of Booster’s back that Ted was unable to smooth out. So Ted just continued to soothingly stroke, waiting for Booster to do what he needed to.
“It’s kind of stupid, you know?” Booster said with a depreciating laugh. “I know you’re here and alive, but part of me can’t help thinking that this is all another dream and I’ll wake up and you’ll be gone again. Except it’s even worse because I know it’s not and I’m still afraid you’ll leave and I hate that I’m afraid. It’s just a sad, stupid jumble in my head.”
Ted couldn’t help himself, “You dream about me?”
Which was obviously the wrong thing to ask because Booster got tense all over. “Lots of times,” he said stiffly.
“Aw, Booster,” he playfully tugged at a lock of soft, blond hair, “don’t shut down on me. Tell me ‘bout some of the good ones.”
For a long moment Booster stayed quiet and Ted almost thought he’d ruined everything. Then, “You were there,” and Ted could tell that waking up to find it was a dream was almost as painful as the worst nightmares Booster had, “you were laughing.”
“What, that’s it? I’m pretty easy to please in your dreams.” He felt Booster’s smile again, just as he hoped. “Did we do anything cool, at least? Explore distant planets in the Bug? Or maybe we were pirates in your dream? Awesome, roguish pirates!”
“Your Bug isn’t space worthy,” Booster said, teasing on the edge of his words, “and I’d probably get sick on a boat.”
“You and your weak future stomach.”
“If stability is the price for abs this fine, I have no regrets.”
“You and every woman on the planet, I’m sure.”
“Why limit myself to just women?”
“You’re right. We shouldn’t deny the farm animals your abs.”
“You leave Lamby out of this. He’s a fine sheep.”
They chuckled at each other, refitting comfortably again. Then, before he could stop himself, Ted said, “I really missed you.” He felt Booster pull back and Ted started babbling. “I know, I know- I was the one that was gone and I’m not trying to belittle everything you had to deal with, I just... I missed you. I missed making you laugh and having stupid conversations with you and just... you being you and there and with me.”
When he looked up meekly at Booster (he couldn’t do puppy eyes half as well as Booster and Ted was determined to unlock the secret behind it because Ted couldn’t be the only one susceptible to Booster’s ultimate weapon), Booster was smiling at him.
Not a grin, or something edging on laughter, but soft, a smile that spoke of a million deep emotions and it made Ted’s heart trip over itself every time he saw it. He wanted so badly to say something, but was too afraid to push Booster any further than he already had.
Booster rest his head against Ted’s shoulder again, still smiling that soft, deep smile. “I’m glad you’re back.”
They eventually fell asleep like that, half propped against the wall and wrapped around each other and even if they woke up with krinks in their backs and necks, it was still the best day Ted could remember.
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Date: 2010-05-22 02:32 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-05-22 02:34 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-05-22 07:03 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-05-22 11:15 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-05-26 01:49 am (UTC)Oh boys, you finally talked about it ♥