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ajremixTitle: Downward Spiral
Fandom: Bleach
Rating: PG
Word Count: 527
Characters: Izuru
Summary: People with problems are fun to mess with :P
He hated the feeling of lonely and cold. They always seemed to be together, the inner cold and the sense of isolation. It was always with him, even during the vague memory he had of ‘life’. It only intensified in the spirit world, when he became a Shinigami. His worthlessness grew, his lack of ability brought about a panic that was a vacuum in his lungs.
Of course no one would bother with him. He was a screw-up, he was weak, they flew away from him and he limped after with broken wings. He couldn’t fly, he had no ability. He could only stand in the darkness and wish he could forget because the oblivion of death had already become a cruel illusion.
When she came he was inspired. A soul who would talk to him and encourage him and made the cold slip away because her eyes had the sun shining through that dispelled his darkness. She taught that he always had the ability to fly, that he was just afraid and she made him not want to be afraid again. She was stability and he followed her because she made him feel calm.
Then she moved onto better things and he was forced back into a world that didn’t want him and he fell back into his helpless dark in a self-destructive spiral. He could not become something worthwhile because he was worthless. He wanted desperately for her to erase his fear and again give him purpose. A purpose of any sort, just one that made him feel wanted.
So when he came and said ‘follow me’, he didn’t question. He didn’t wonder, he didn’t think because his presence was numbing and when he grinned /that/ /grin/ it taught him he had only one thing to fear which would not touch him so long as he did what he was told. He found balance there, somehow, wearing the other side of the mask his master wore. His confidence was an illusion but he felt secure in the knowledge that he was the one deceiving and only his master could take that away from him.
When she came again he felt himself teetering off balance. His master saw this, the threat to his control and kept them apart as often as possible, without drawing attention. But it excited his master, everything a game for him to take over. It was the part of his master he feared, the only things that his master would allow him harm and it was his fear that taught him control- fear that he would ruin the good in his life by being weak and he would once again be alone.
So when it came down to the one he would protect, he refused to let her near his master- simply because he was afraid she would be contaminated by his fear, that she would also be under his control and all her calm and sunshine wouldn’t be able to save her. But he was already lost in the dark. And if it meant for it to consume him in its cold, dark isolation to save her, than so be it.
Fandom: Bleach
Rating: PG
Word Count: 527
Characters: Izuru
Summary: People with problems are fun to mess with :P
He hated the feeling of lonely and cold. They always seemed to be together, the inner cold and the sense of isolation. It was always with him, even during the vague memory he had of ‘life’. It only intensified in the spirit world, when he became a Shinigami. His worthlessness grew, his lack of ability brought about a panic that was a vacuum in his lungs.
Of course no one would bother with him. He was a screw-up, he was weak, they flew away from him and he limped after with broken wings. He couldn’t fly, he had no ability. He could only stand in the darkness and wish he could forget because the oblivion of death had already become a cruel illusion.
When she came he was inspired. A soul who would talk to him and encourage him and made the cold slip away because her eyes had the sun shining through that dispelled his darkness. She taught that he always had the ability to fly, that he was just afraid and she made him not want to be afraid again. She was stability and he followed her because she made him feel calm.
Then she moved onto better things and he was forced back into a world that didn’t want him and he fell back into his helpless dark in a self-destructive spiral. He could not become something worthwhile because he was worthless. He wanted desperately for her to erase his fear and again give him purpose. A purpose of any sort, just one that made him feel wanted.
So when he came and said ‘follow me’, he didn’t question. He didn’t wonder, he didn’t think because his presence was numbing and when he grinned /that/ /grin/ it taught him he had only one thing to fear which would not touch him so long as he did what he was told. He found balance there, somehow, wearing the other side of the mask his master wore. His confidence was an illusion but he felt secure in the knowledge that he was the one deceiving and only his master could take that away from him.
When she came again he felt himself teetering off balance. His master saw this, the threat to his control and kept them apart as often as possible, without drawing attention. But it excited his master, everything a game for him to take over. It was the part of his master he feared, the only things that his master would allow him harm and it was his fear that taught him control- fear that he would ruin the good in his life by being weak and he would once again be alone.
So when it came down to the one he would protect, he refused to let her near his master- simply because he was afraid she would be contaminated by his fear, that she would also be under his control and all her calm and sunshine wouldn’t be able to save her. But he was already lost in the dark. And if it meant for it to consume him in its cold, dark isolation to save her, than so be it.
