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ajremixTitle: Come What May – Limit Break (pt 2)
Fandom: Bleach
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 5734
Characters: Ikkaku, Nemu, Kaien, Lady Shiba
Summary: Following Rundown, Top of the Caste, Smile for Me, Setting Stages, Daily Reprieve, Odds Against, One Step Beyond, Seating Arrangements, Distances Between, Time Misspent, Burnt Bridges, Ties that Break, Impulse and Limit Break Pt.1. An experiment, if you will. When you’re alone.
The month was going by fast and every time he came across Nemu, Ikkaku made it a point to either grin at her or give her a wave. At first, Nemu had looked away quickly, almost like his actions were a signal for danger. But, as the month progressed, she eventually went so far as to even smile slightly back.
The times that he had, though, Kaien would try to drop by to give an update. “Maa!” He flopped on the floor where Ikkaku was trying to puzzle out some of the reports left to him. “That girl really is a piece of work, I’ll tell you that.”
“Hm.” He was only giving Kaien a half-ear. There were supply requests to tend to and trying to figure out what they needed, what they wanted and how much funding they had for anything always twisted his brain around.
“I think she’s starting to get it, though.” The dark haired shinigami rolled onto his elbows. “She’s more open with my wife, though. I guess I should’ve figured that. But she’s starting to open up a bit more to me, too.”
“Hm.”
Kaien raised an eyebrow at the responsiveness. “She does actually talk about you a lot, you know. Not really ‘Ikkaku this’ or ‘Ikkaku that’ but she gets that look sometimes like she’s remembering something precious.”
“Hm.”
“Like she wishes what she was remembering was still with her.”
“How do you know that she’s remembering something I did?” Ikkaku said, just short of snapping. He knew Kaien meant well and it really was an important matter to him but these damned reports needed to be done by morning.
“Ah, you really were paying attention!”
Ikkaku put his brush down, turned and GLARED.
The other man put his hands up and chuckled. “No, no, I’m being serious here. Seriously.” He rolled onto his back again. “She does remember you a lot. We can tell because we mention you and she gets this warm look in her eyes. It’s different than when we talk about someone else. See, she actually speaks about Urahara-taichou quite a bit. But she remembers you. You’re the only one that she gets that look for.”
Ikkaku looked at the brush, knowing he should pick it up but unable to gather the will, watching it unseeingly.
“It’s a wonderful thing, being important to someone you care about.”
Finally he wrenched the brush off the table and hunched back over the reports. “If I’m so important,” and under any other circumstances he’d smack himself for the whining, “then why does she barely acknowledge me?”
Kaien huffed, joviality fallen from his face. “…That’s the part that we’re working on. Kurotsuchi-taichou isn’t the easiest person to get around without looking too suspicious. It’s even harder trying to convince her that he isn’t the end all, be all. You should know that.”
“….Yeah.”
Abruptly, Kaien sat up and patted Ikkaku’s shoulder. “But don’t worry!” He grinned brightly. “Just a little longer and we’ll get some sense talked into her, I promise!”
He looked up at he vice-captain and smiled slowly. “Thanks, Kaien-san. I really do appreciate this.”
“I know.” And he twisted and stretched, his back popping. “I wouldn’t do this for someone who wouldn’t.” He tossed a grin over his shoulder. “See you ‘round, Ikkakun!”
~*~*~*~
“Aw, come on~!” Ikkaku scowled at the finger poking at the back of his head. “It’s my birthday! I treated you on YOUR birthday!”
“Forget it.” He tried to lengthen his strides but that poking finger managed to keep up with him.
“Please? Oh, pretty, pretty please?” A hand was tugging at the back of his haori. “Please, I beseech thee, oh great and powerful and wondrous Madarame-sama! Treat me tonight!”
“Forget it.” Those hands jerked at his haori. Hard. Nearly pulling it off his shoulder. “Ow- dammit, woman!”
Rangiku scowled right back at him. “You owe me! I bought you drinks all night on your birthday!”
“Yeah, that’s because that was a GIFT. I’m not supposed to be obligated to get you anything! And you weren’t the only person treatin’ me- you only bought me, like, three drinks! And on top of that,” Ikkaku jabbed a finger at the mass of other vice-captains grouped nearby, “who the hell said I was gonna buy drinks for EVERYONE??”
Hisagi narrowed his eyes. “You’re the one that tricked everyone out of their money at the dice game last week. You’ve got the money so obviously you’re gonna be the one paying.”
“First off,” Ikkaku held up a finger, “if you’re not cheatin’, you’re not tryin’ hard enough. Secondly,” he held up another finger, “you’re the ones that got too smashed to tell what you fuckin’ rolled.”
“Still doesn’t change the fact that we’re broke and you have all our money.” Iba piped up from somewhere near the back. But Ikkaku snorted, readjusting his uniform.
“Too bad for you guys.”
“Calm down, everyone. Just calm down.” The crowd split for Kaien, giving everyone an easy smile and placating wave. “I’ll take care of it, don’t worry.” Before anyone had a chance to speak, he had Ikkaku by the shoulders, leading him a little bit away.
“I ain’t payin’ for everyone all damn night, Kaien-san.” He growled out. “Not even you can change my mind on that.”
“Aw, c’mon. Just the first round.”
“No.”
“But if you don’t,” Kaien drawled out, watching Ikkaku visibly prepare himself for whatever came next, “then Kurotsuchi-fukutaichou won’t come.”
He turned sharply. “What?”
Kaien nodded widely. “Oh, yes. Matsumoto invited all the vice-captains to come. It took her the entire meeting but she decided to join us.” And then said deliberately, “On her own.”
“On… On her…”
“Yup.”
Ikkaku looked away, then looked back at Kaien. “Do you think…?”
“One more night.” He told the bald shinigami earnestly. “I’ll talk to her more tonight and I SWEAR, she will be ready to make her own decision.”
He never thought he’d see anyone go from fully annoyed to absolutely anxious that quickly in his life. “She…” Ikkaku took a few deep breathes, not entirely certain why his heart was suddenly pounding in his ears like that. But then he looked over at the waiting vice-captains that waved cheerily (and glared pointedly) and his look soured.
“….okay, fine.” Then said loud enough for everyone to hear. “BUT ONLY ONE ROUND!”
“So fucking stingy.”
“Except for Iba who gets nothing!”
“You bastard!”
~*~*~*~
Nemu didn’t, surprisingly enough, feel all that awkward with the rest of the vice-captains in a bar. Ise-san and Kotetsu-san had sat with her for the few hours they were there and they chatted amicably. Afterward, a couple of the other vice-captains would come and talk to her for a bit. The two cups of sake she nursed during the night rested warmly in her and she smiled at them. She tried not to laugh when Iba had flushed at her smile and promptly wandered off, mumbling something about sharp-tongued idiots being so slow and stupid about everything.
Ikkaku had attempted to talk to her on several occasions. Half the time he was either interrupted or dragged off by one of the others- or to be pleaded by Matsumoto for another drink. The other half he didn’t seem to be able to bring himself to actually say anything, just gave her an uneasy sort of grin and make small talk.
But, somehow, she found even that a little endearing. Shiba-san was right, she figured, he really did worry about her, always making sure she was doing well, that she was comfortable. Nemu made a note to herself to make one of those intricate origami flowers Shiba-san seemed to like so much.
‘Like a firework,’ she remembered the other woman saying. ‘Kaien and his family are so talented with them. When they explode they’re like little petals of flowers against the night sky. Have you seen them?’
Nemu never had. But she had heard all about them from Ikkaku once, long ago. Remembered how he said with that boundless, wide-grinned way he had that he’d take her to the next festival and he’d show her the best place to watch the fireworks go off.
“Yo!” A body plopped down beside her, breaking her out of her thoughts. “You enjoying yourself?”
Nemu nodded. “Yes, Kaien-san.”
“Pft! That’s not an order!” He held a drink to his lips. “Got something on your mind, let me know.”
“Of course.”
They sat quietly in the revelry of their comrades until Kaien jerked Nemu out of her thoughts. “You’re giving him a hard time, you know.”
“I-I’m sorry?”
“Ikkakun.”
Nemu pushed her untouched cup away. “What do you mean?”
In reply she received a surprised look. “You mean you haven’t noticed? That guy’s all over you. He does whatever he thinks you’d like, he’d break himself for you and you push him away. That poor bastard.” He said with a chuckle. “That’s a persistent one, though. Gotta give credit to a guy with that much heart.”
“Why do you think that?”
Kaien gave her a sideways grin. “ ‘Cause I’m also a man in love. I’m just lucky enough to be married to mine, though.”
And Nemu blushed, gaze inadvertently sliding to Ikkaku, draped on one side by a cackling and drunk Hisagi, an equally sloshed Rangiku on the other.
“It must suck for him, though.” Kaien continued. “He’s the kind of guy that would rather keep getting denied by Kurotsuchi-taichou just because he can hate that guy. Instead it’s you that keeps on rejecting him and it’s breaking his heart.”
She looked down at her hands, the comfort she generally found weaving her fingers together didn’t seem as forthcoming this time. “…it’s for the best.”
“It’s for the best only if you believe in it. But then you smile at him and that gives him hope. You keep looking for him and he knows this because he WANTS you to look at him.” Kaien pushed a finger against Nemu’s forehead. “You need to get your signals straight. This is driving everyone up the wall.”
Nemu put a hand to her head, her demeanor completely unraveled at the sudden poke. “…” Her wide eyes flashed in the lights and Kaien could understand why Ikkaku needed her. “But… it’s best if he just-“
He poked her again. “Let Ikkakun do what’s best for Ikkakun. He’s the kind of guy that probably didn’t grow up with much of a family, if any. He probably grew up wanting someone to help him and look out for him and probably resents the fact no one did, even if he knows that hardship made him what he is. Then you come into the picture and your only family treats you like garbage. He needs someone to protect and you need someone to keep you from getting walked all over. That’s how he thinks, I’ll bet you.”
Kaien drained his cup and propped his chin on his knuckles, elbow on a knee. “Think about what you need. What you really need and not what other people tell you. Then think about what he can give you. If he can fulfill that, it’s well worth the trouble. Trust me on that.” Then, just as abruptly as he sat down, Kaien got to his feet, ruffling Nemu’s hair. “Maa! Just think about it, ‘kay? I’m still too sober to leave.” And he bounded back to the others, tackling Iba to a bottle of sake.
Nemu spent the rest of the night reflecting in her own cup. How wonderful it was to smile again, she thought to herself. How wonderful it must be to have someone to share everything you are with.
Nemu pondered what it would be like to give someone part of you forever and thought that must be the most wonderful thing of all.
~*~*~*~
It was a week later that news came about the death of the beloved Lady Shiba. A day later her death was joined by her husband’s.
The Shiba family refused to come to the funeral or the wake and just asked for the body of their sister to join her with their brother. Ukitake-taichou spent a week with them and when he returned he was even sicklier than before. His face was pale and gaunt and his coughing increased. The death of his vice-captain seemed to suck the very life out of him.
Nemu had read the circumstances surrounding Kaien’s death and had recounted them to her father. He gave a little distracted snort and told her, when she asked to attend the wake, that he didn’t care what she did.
This was the man, Nemu thought as Kyouraku-taichou eulogized for Ukitake-taichou who was too unwell to attend, that had been so kind to her. To her and everyone. There wasn’t any one person Kaien didn’t greet with a smile. Even her own father- that everyone else regarded with some form of distaste –he would honestly wish well when they crossed paths.
This was the man that did everything unconditionally. He laughed loudly and smiled brightly. He ate like he was starving, drank like it was a celebration and spoke of all his friends with the same warm tenderness that he spoke of his siblings. Everyone in the world was a friend to Kaien-san and the only ones he treated better than his friends were his family, and the only ones he held in even higher regards than that was his sister and brother and wife.
This was the man who had convinced Nemu that nothing in the world mattered so much as being with those you loved in every way possible. This was the man that made Nemu yearn for the ability to hold someone as tightly as he held his family.
This was the man that died the moment he heard his wife was killed. This was the man that was killed through his rage.
Nemu wasn’t a brave woman. She didn’t see herself as strong or courageous or unfettered or anything she thought of either Shibas. Losing two friends tore at her, the thought of losing someone even closer made her heart break into tiny, glittering pieces. She didn’t know if she were strong enough to live without that little part she’d give to her most important. She didn’t know if she was brave enough to die twice in the name of her love.
And perhaps it was selfish but Nemu didn’t want to force her love to die twice in her name.
When the crowd rose and began lining up to offer their respects to the two black-ribboned paintings, Nemu slipped through the gaps and toward the entrance of the great hall. Her footsteps were light and quick in the falling evening, the stones and flowers in the vast garden seemed to glow in the moon. A small wooden bridge arched over the trickle of water, splashing in a series of tiny falls through the grass.
“Nemu.”
Her heart was suddenly pounding.
“You okay?”
Nemu bit her lip, placing a hand on the railing to keep it from trembling. “Yes?”
She could hear Ikkaku’s frown. “You just gonna leave without-”
“Please.” Her voice was a little too loud in the silence. “Please, stop.”
“Stop what?”
“You’re always- always doing- when…” Nemu put a hand against her mouth, biting into her lip or her palm, she didn’t really notice which. “Please, just stop.”
The soft gravel crunched under his feet. “Stop what?” His voice was a little sharper and Nemu wondered if his heart was beating just as fast as hers. “What am I doing wrong? What do you need?”
“I…”
“Tell me what you need, Nemu. I’ll do it. Do I need to apologize? Do you need my help?” She could feel his breath warm across the pale arch of her neck.
“I need…”
“Tell me, Nemu. It doesn’t matter what. I’ll do whatever you ask.”
“Please…”
“Nemu, I-“
“STOP!”
And suddenly Nemu was halfway over the bridge and Ikkaku looked up at her, surprised. Her face felt hot and her throat was tight. “Please, just stop. I can’t care about you the way you want me to. I… There’s just too many reasons, I just… I can’t.” She realized distantly that she was crying, her voice ragged and her body shaking.
Ikkaku reached out, everything from his proximity to his scent to his expression made her want to collapse, to curl up and let him protect her from the world for the rest of her life. She jerked her body backward.
“Stop it, stop it, please.” Nemu dragged her sleeves over her cheeks, the material rough and painful. “I can’t- it won’t- please… Please, don’t ask that of me. Don’t…”
Ikkaku’s hand dropped to his side and his jaw clenched, face washed pale under the stars. “Is that… Is that your decision? Is that going to be the choice you stand by?”
She bit back a hiccup and nodded. “…Yes.”
For a long moment Ikkaku stayed silent, glaring at the wooden planks because he couldn’t bring himself to glare at Nemu. “…All right.” And it sounded like a fight to say those words, like his breath was clawing its way forcefully from his throat. “If that’s your choice.” He inclined his head slightly to her. “Good night, Kurotsuchi-fukutaichou.”
“Ikkaku.” She whispered brokenly. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be.” He turned away sharply. “Here, I’m the only one that should be sorry.” Quick, measured steps took him down the path opposite the bridge and Nemu watched him until the dark and pale of his silhouette was lost in the garden.
In the night he seethed, cursing himself for being so stupid, being so naïve, for thinking things would turn out okay even though he already knew things rarely ever did.
“Idiot,” Ikkaku muttered to himself, “fucking idiot.” It took him several more steps before he realized someone else was there with him.
“Ah.” He blinked at the newcomer. “Kuchiki-taichou.” Ikkaku stepped to the side of the path. “The wake is still going on.” He said with an incline of his head. The captain gave a curt gesture of acknowledgement as they passed each other.
He squelched the urge to tense and glare at the captain. He didn’t know much about him but that he took the nobleman act to unprecedented levels. It took every holier-than-thou asshole Ikkaku had known growing up and rolling them into one, magnifying that snooty attitude tenfold. He didn’t know if Renji had picked up on the same vibe, but the redhead barely hid the intent in his gaze whenever Kuchiki-taichou passed by. At least, Ikkaku took miniscule comfort in that, here he wasn’t alone.
With a heavy sigh Ikkaku continued down the path, sticking his hands under his belt, lost in thought until he came upon a lone figure standing in the middle of the walkway.
He blinked down at her, a young shinigami with haunted eyes. “Hey.” He said quietly, but she jerked back in surprise. “What’re you doin’ here?” Ikkaku peered down at her and she flinched. “You look like you want to go to the wake. Why don’t you?”
She clenched her hands together, looking like some caged animal. “I-I can’t…”
“How come? It’s open to everyone that wants to pay their respects.”
But she bit her lip and looked away. “I can’t because… because I was the one-“
“Stop.” She obliged out of surprise, looking up to see Ikkaku giving her a disapproving glare. “Just stop right there, okay? I don’t know what you’re blamin’ yourself about and it doesn’t really matter, got it? Did he tell you it was your fault?”
“….no.”
“Does he blame you for whatever you did?”
“No.”
He prodded her forehead with a finger. “Then stop it. If you think you did him wrong, but he says you didn’t then you DIDN’T. Stop beatin’ yourself over it. Feel guilty for what he says you’ve done wrong, not for stuff you think you did.”
She gave a little sniff. “Kaien-dono and Ukitake-taichou… They blame themselves for it. They wanted my forgiveness for putting me through that.”
Ikkaku’s eyes softened and he sighed, giving her head a little pat. “They don’t want you to forgive them. They want you to forgive yourself. And that’s the hardest thing to do.”
“If anyone else knew what I’ve done, they wouldn’t forgive me, either.”
“Hey.” Broken eyes peered at him with a pain that wrenched at his heart. “Nobody likes to see a pretty girl look sad.” Ikkaku told her quietly. “If you held any sort of respect for Kaien, don’t ruin his memory by moping around like this. He hated seeing anyone sad. Even more when people were sad over him. Don’t dishonor him like that. Smile,” he bumped her chin lightly, “that was always Kaien’s favorite part of a person.”
There was a distant memory in her eyes and her smile was watery. Ikkaku didn’t know if the tears she spilt were of pain or release but she told him in a voice that held some gratitude, “Thank you.”
Giving her a passing pat on the shoulder, Ikkaku walked on, tucking his hands in his belt again. He wished that it were always that easy to bring even a small piece of happiness back to someone. But not everyone wanted help, or happiness or saving…
For the first time in his life, Ikkaku thought maybe he should just give up.
Fandom: Bleach
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 5734
Characters: Ikkaku, Nemu, Kaien, Lady Shiba
Summary: Following Rundown, Top of the Caste, Smile for Me, Setting Stages, Daily Reprieve, Odds Against, One Step Beyond, Seating Arrangements, Distances Between, Time Misspent, Burnt Bridges, Ties that Break, Impulse and Limit Break Pt.1. An experiment, if you will. When you’re alone.
The month was going by fast and every time he came across Nemu, Ikkaku made it a point to either grin at her or give her a wave. At first, Nemu had looked away quickly, almost like his actions were a signal for danger. But, as the month progressed, she eventually went so far as to even smile slightly back.
The times that he had, though, Kaien would try to drop by to give an update. “Maa!” He flopped on the floor where Ikkaku was trying to puzzle out some of the reports left to him. “That girl really is a piece of work, I’ll tell you that.”
“Hm.” He was only giving Kaien a half-ear. There were supply requests to tend to and trying to figure out what they needed, what they wanted and how much funding they had for anything always twisted his brain around.
“I think she’s starting to get it, though.” The dark haired shinigami rolled onto his elbows. “She’s more open with my wife, though. I guess I should’ve figured that. But she’s starting to open up a bit more to me, too.”
“Hm.”
Kaien raised an eyebrow at the responsiveness. “She does actually talk about you a lot, you know. Not really ‘Ikkaku this’ or ‘Ikkaku that’ but she gets that look sometimes like she’s remembering something precious.”
“Hm.”
“Like she wishes what she was remembering was still with her.”
“How do you know that she’s remembering something I did?” Ikkaku said, just short of snapping. He knew Kaien meant well and it really was an important matter to him but these damned reports needed to be done by morning.
“Ah, you really were paying attention!”
Ikkaku put his brush down, turned and GLARED.
The other man put his hands up and chuckled. “No, no, I’m being serious here. Seriously.” He rolled onto his back again. “She does remember you a lot. We can tell because we mention you and she gets this warm look in her eyes. It’s different than when we talk about someone else. See, she actually speaks about Urahara-taichou quite a bit. But she remembers you. You’re the only one that she gets that look for.”
Ikkaku looked at the brush, knowing he should pick it up but unable to gather the will, watching it unseeingly.
“It’s a wonderful thing, being important to someone you care about.”
Finally he wrenched the brush off the table and hunched back over the reports. “If I’m so important,” and under any other circumstances he’d smack himself for the whining, “then why does she barely acknowledge me?”
Kaien huffed, joviality fallen from his face. “…That’s the part that we’re working on. Kurotsuchi-taichou isn’t the easiest person to get around without looking too suspicious. It’s even harder trying to convince her that he isn’t the end all, be all. You should know that.”
“….Yeah.”
Abruptly, Kaien sat up and patted Ikkaku’s shoulder. “But don’t worry!” He grinned brightly. “Just a little longer and we’ll get some sense talked into her, I promise!”
He looked up at he vice-captain and smiled slowly. “Thanks, Kaien-san. I really do appreciate this.”
“I know.” And he twisted and stretched, his back popping. “I wouldn’t do this for someone who wouldn’t.” He tossed a grin over his shoulder. “See you ‘round, Ikkakun!”
~*~*~*~
“Aw, come on~!” Ikkaku scowled at the finger poking at the back of his head. “It’s my birthday! I treated you on YOUR birthday!”
“Forget it.” He tried to lengthen his strides but that poking finger managed to keep up with him.
“Please? Oh, pretty, pretty please?” A hand was tugging at the back of his haori. “Please, I beseech thee, oh great and powerful and wondrous Madarame-sama! Treat me tonight!”
“Forget it.” Those hands jerked at his haori. Hard. Nearly pulling it off his shoulder. “Ow- dammit, woman!”
Rangiku scowled right back at him. “You owe me! I bought you drinks all night on your birthday!”
“Yeah, that’s because that was a GIFT. I’m not supposed to be obligated to get you anything! And you weren’t the only person treatin’ me- you only bought me, like, three drinks! And on top of that,” Ikkaku jabbed a finger at the mass of other vice-captains grouped nearby, “who the hell said I was gonna buy drinks for EVERYONE??”
Hisagi narrowed his eyes. “You’re the one that tricked everyone out of their money at the dice game last week. You’ve got the money so obviously you’re gonna be the one paying.”
“First off,” Ikkaku held up a finger, “if you’re not cheatin’, you’re not tryin’ hard enough. Secondly,” he held up another finger, “you’re the ones that got too smashed to tell what you fuckin’ rolled.”
“Still doesn’t change the fact that we’re broke and you have all our money.” Iba piped up from somewhere near the back. But Ikkaku snorted, readjusting his uniform.
“Too bad for you guys.”
“Calm down, everyone. Just calm down.” The crowd split for Kaien, giving everyone an easy smile and placating wave. “I’ll take care of it, don’t worry.” Before anyone had a chance to speak, he had Ikkaku by the shoulders, leading him a little bit away.
“I ain’t payin’ for everyone all damn night, Kaien-san.” He growled out. “Not even you can change my mind on that.”
“Aw, c’mon. Just the first round.”
“No.”
“But if you don’t,” Kaien drawled out, watching Ikkaku visibly prepare himself for whatever came next, “then Kurotsuchi-fukutaichou won’t come.”
He turned sharply. “What?”
Kaien nodded widely. “Oh, yes. Matsumoto invited all the vice-captains to come. It took her the entire meeting but she decided to join us.” And then said deliberately, “On her own.”
“On… On her…”
“Yup.”
Ikkaku looked away, then looked back at Kaien. “Do you think…?”
“One more night.” He told the bald shinigami earnestly. “I’ll talk to her more tonight and I SWEAR, she will be ready to make her own decision.”
He never thought he’d see anyone go from fully annoyed to absolutely anxious that quickly in his life. “She…” Ikkaku took a few deep breathes, not entirely certain why his heart was suddenly pounding in his ears like that. But then he looked over at the waiting vice-captains that waved cheerily (and glared pointedly) and his look soured.
“….okay, fine.” Then said loud enough for everyone to hear. “BUT ONLY ONE ROUND!”
“So fucking stingy.”
“Except for Iba who gets nothing!”
“You bastard!”
~*~*~*~
Nemu didn’t, surprisingly enough, feel all that awkward with the rest of the vice-captains in a bar. Ise-san and Kotetsu-san had sat with her for the few hours they were there and they chatted amicably. Afterward, a couple of the other vice-captains would come and talk to her for a bit. The two cups of sake she nursed during the night rested warmly in her and she smiled at them. She tried not to laugh when Iba had flushed at her smile and promptly wandered off, mumbling something about sharp-tongued idiots being so slow and stupid about everything.
Ikkaku had attempted to talk to her on several occasions. Half the time he was either interrupted or dragged off by one of the others- or to be pleaded by Matsumoto for another drink. The other half he didn’t seem to be able to bring himself to actually say anything, just gave her an uneasy sort of grin and make small talk.
But, somehow, she found even that a little endearing. Shiba-san was right, she figured, he really did worry about her, always making sure she was doing well, that she was comfortable. Nemu made a note to herself to make one of those intricate origami flowers Shiba-san seemed to like so much.
‘Like a firework,’ she remembered the other woman saying. ‘Kaien and his family are so talented with them. When they explode they’re like little petals of flowers against the night sky. Have you seen them?’
Nemu never had. But she had heard all about them from Ikkaku once, long ago. Remembered how he said with that boundless, wide-grinned way he had that he’d take her to the next festival and he’d show her the best place to watch the fireworks go off.
“Yo!” A body plopped down beside her, breaking her out of her thoughts. “You enjoying yourself?”
Nemu nodded. “Yes, Kaien-san.”
“Pft! That’s not an order!” He held a drink to his lips. “Got something on your mind, let me know.”
“Of course.”
They sat quietly in the revelry of their comrades until Kaien jerked Nemu out of her thoughts. “You’re giving him a hard time, you know.”
“I-I’m sorry?”
“Ikkakun.”
Nemu pushed her untouched cup away. “What do you mean?”
In reply she received a surprised look. “You mean you haven’t noticed? That guy’s all over you. He does whatever he thinks you’d like, he’d break himself for you and you push him away. That poor bastard.” He said with a chuckle. “That’s a persistent one, though. Gotta give credit to a guy with that much heart.”
“Why do you think that?”
Kaien gave her a sideways grin. “ ‘Cause I’m also a man in love. I’m just lucky enough to be married to mine, though.”
And Nemu blushed, gaze inadvertently sliding to Ikkaku, draped on one side by a cackling and drunk Hisagi, an equally sloshed Rangiku on the other.
“It must suck for him, though.” Kaien continued. “He’s the kind of guy that would rather keep getting denied by Kurotsuchi-taichou just because he can hate that guy. Instead it’s you that keeps on rejecting him and it’s breaking his heart.”
She looked down at her hands, the comfort she generally found weaving her fingers together didn’t seem as forthcoming this time. “…it’s for the best.”
“It’s for the best only if you believe in it. But then you smile at him and that gives him hope. You keep looking for him and he knows this because he WANTS you to look at him.” Kaien pushed a finger against Nemu’s forehead. “You need to get your signals straight. This is driving everyone up the wall.”
Nemu put a hand to her head, her demeanor completely unraveled at the sudden poke. “…” Her wide eyes flashed in the lights and Kaien could understand why Ikkaku needed her. “But… it’s best if he just-“
He poked her again. “Let Ikkakun do what’s best for Ikkakun. He’s the kind of guy that probably didn’t grow up with much of a family, if any. He probably grew up wanting someone to help him and look out for him and probably resents the fact no one did, even if he knows that hardship made him what he is. Then you come into the picture and your only family treats you like garbage. He needs someone to protect and you need someone to keep you from getting walked all over. That’s how he thinks, I’ll bet you.”
Kaien drained his cup and propped his chin on his knuckles, elbow on a knee. “Think about what you need. What you really need and not what other people tell you. Then think about what he can give you. If he can fulfill that, it’s well worth the trouble. Trust me on that.” Then, just as abruptly as he sat down, Kaien got to his feet, ruffling Nemu’s hair. “Maa! Just think about it, ‘kay? I’m still too sober to leave.” And he bounded back to the others, tackling Iba to a bottle of sake.
Nemu spent the rest of the night reflecting in her own cup. How wonderful it was to smile again, she thought to herself. How wonderful it must be to have someone to share everything you are with.
Nemu pondered what it would be like to give someone part of you forever and thought that must be the most wonderful thing of all.
~*~*~*~
It was a week later that news came about the death of the beloved Lady Shiba. A day later her death was joined by her husband’s.
The Shiba family refused to come to the funeral or the wake and just asked for the body of their sister to join her with their brother. Ukitake-taichou spent a week with them and when he returned he was even sicklier than before. His face was pale and gaunt and his coughing increased. The death of his vice-captain seemed to suck the very life out of him.
Nemu had read the circumstances surrounding Kaien’s death and had recounted them to her father. He gave a little distracted snort and told her, when she asked to attend the wake, that he didn’t care what she did.
This was the man, Nemu thought as Kyouraku-taichou eulogized for Ukitake-taichou who was too unwell to attend, that had been so kind to her. To her and everyone. There wasn’t any one person Kaien didn’t greet with a smile. Even her own father- that everyone else regarded with some form of distaste –he would honestly wish well when they crossed paths.
This was the man that did everything unconditionally. He laughed loudly and smiled brightly. He ate like he was starving, drank like it was a celebration and spoke of all his friends with the same warm tenderness that he spoke of his siblings. Everyone in the world was a friend to Kaien-san and the only ones he treated better than his friends were his family, and the only ones he held in even higher regards than that was his sister and brother and wife.
This was the man who had convinced Nemu that nothing in the world mattered so much as being with those you loved in every way possible. This was the man that made Nemu yearn for the ability to hold someone as tightly as he held his family.
This was the man that died the moment he heard his wife was killed. This was the man that was killed through his rage.
Nemu wasn’t a brave woman. She didn’t see herself as strong or courageous or unfettered or anything she thought of either Shibas. Losing two friends tore at her, the thought of losing someone even closer made her heart break into tiny, glittering pieces. She didn’t know if she were strong enough to live without that little part she’d give to her most important. She didn’t know if she was brave enough to die twice in the name of her love.
And perhaps it was selfish but Nemu didn’t want to force her love to die twice in her name.
When the crowd rose and began lining up to offer their respects to the two black-ribboned paintings, Nemu slipped through the gaps and toward the entrance of the great hall. Her footsteps were light and quick in the falling evening, the stones and flowers in the vast garden seemed to glow in the moon. A small wooden bridge arched over the trickle of water, splashing in a series of tiny falls through the grass.
“Nemu.”
Her heart was suddenly pounding.
“You okay?”
Nemu bit her lip, placing a hand on the railing to keep it from trembling. “Yes?”
She could hear Ikkaku’s frown. “You just gonna leave without-”
“Please.” Her voice was a little too loud in the silence. “Please, stop.”
“Stop what?”
“You’re always- always doing- when…” Nemu put a hand against her mouth, biting into her lip or her palm, she didn’t really notice which. “Please, just stop.”
The soft gravel crunched under his feet. “Stop what?” His voice was a little sharper and Nemu wondered if his heart was beating just as fast as hers. “What am I doing wrong? What do you need?”
“I…”
“Tell me what you need, Nemu. I’ll do it. Do I need to apologize? Do you need my help?” She could feel his breath warm across the pale arch of her neck.
“I need…”
“Tell me, Nemu. It doesn’t matter what. I’ll do whatever you ask.”
“Please…”
“Nemu, I-“
“STOP!”
And suddenly Nemu was halfway over the bridge and Ikkaku looked up at her, surprised. Her face felt hot and her throat was tight. “Please, just stop. I can’t care about you the way you want me to. I… There’s just too many reasons, I just… I can’t.” She realized distantly that she was crying, her voice ragged and her body shaking.
Ikkaku reached out, everything from his proximity to his scent to his expression made her want to collapse, to curl up and let him protect her from the world for the rest of her life. She jerked her body backward.
“Stop it, stop it, please.” Nemu dragged her sleeves over her cheeks, the material rough and painful. “I can’t- it won’t- please… Please, don’t ask that of me. Don’t…”
Ikkaku’s hand dropped to his side and his jaw clenched, face washed pale under the stars. “Is that… Is that your decision? Is that going to be the choice you stand by?”
She bit back a hiccup and nodded. “…Yes.”
For a long moment Ikkaku stayed silent, glaring at the wooden planks because he couldn’t bring himself to glare at Nemu. “…All right.” And it sounded like a fight to say those words, like his breath was clawing its way forcefully from his throat. “If that’s your choice.” He inclined his head slightly to her. “Good night, Kurotsuchi-fukutaichou.”
“Ikkaku.” She whispered brokenly. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be.” He turned away sharply. “Here, I’m the only one that should be sorry.” Quick, measured steps took him down the path opposite the bridge and Nemu watched him until the dark and pale of his silhouette was lost in the garden.
In the night he seethed, cursing himself for being so stupid, being so naïve, for thinking things would turn out okay even though he already knew things rarely ever did.
“Idiot,” Ikkaku muttered to himself, “fucking idiot.” It took him several more steps before he realized someone else was there with him.
“Ah.” He blinked at the newcomer. “Kuchiki-taichou.” Ikkaku stepped to the side of the path. “The wake is still going on.” He said with an incline of his head. The captain gave a curt gesture of acknowledgement as they passed each other.
He squelched the urge to tense and glare at the captain. He didn’t know much about him but that he took the nobleman act to unprecedented levels. It took every holier-than-thou asshole Ikkaku had known growing up and rolling them into one, magnifying that snooty attitude tenfold. He didn’t know if Renji had picked up on the same vibe, but the redhead barely hid the intent in his gaze whenever Kuchiki-taichou passed by. At least, Ikkaku took miniscule comfort in that, here he wasn’t alone.
With a heavy sigh Ikkaku continued down the path, sticking his hands under his belt, lost in thought until he came upon a lone figure standing in the middle of the walkway.
He blinked down at her, a young shinigami with haunted eyes. “Hey.” He said quietly, but she jerked back in surprise. “What’re you doin’ here?” Ikkaku peered down at her and she flinched. “You look like you want to go to the wake. Why don’t you?”
She clenched her hands together, looking like some caged animal. “I-I can’t…”
“How come? It’s open to everyone that wants to pay their respects.”
But she bit her lip and looked away. “I can’t because… because I was the one-“
“Stop.” She obliged out of surprise, looking up to see Ikkaku giving her a disapproving glare. “Just stop right there, okay? I don’t know what you’re blamin’ yourself about and it doesn’t really matter, got it? Did he tell you it was your fault?”
“….no.”
“Does he blame you for whatever you did?”
“No.”
He prodded her forehead with a finger. “Then stop it. If you think you did him wrong, but he says you didn’t then you DIDN’T. Stop beatin’ yourself over it. Feel guilty for what he says you’ve done wrong, not for stuff you think you did.”
She gave a little sniff. “Kaien-dono and Ukitake-taichou… They blame themselves for it. They wanted my forgiveness for putting me through that.”
Ikkaku’s eyes softened and he sighed, giving her head a little pat. “They don’t want you to forgive them. They want you to forgive yourself. And that’s the hardest thing to do.”
“If anyone else knew what I’ve done, they wouldn’t forgive me, either.”
“Hey.” Broken eyes peered at him with a pain that wrenched at his heart. “Nobody likes to see a pretty girl look sad.” Ikkaku told her quietly. “If you held any sort of respect for Kaien, don’t ruin his memory by moping around like this. He hated seeing anyone sad. Even more when people were sad over him. Don’t dishonor him like that. Smile,” he bumped her chin lightly, “that was always Kaien’s favorite part of a person.”
There was a distant memory in her eyes and her smile was watery. Ikkaku didn’t know if the tears she spilt were of pain or release but she told him in a voice that held some gratitude, “Thank you.”
Giving her a passing pat on the shoulder, Ikkaku walked on, tucking his hands in his belt again. He wished that it were always that easy to bring even a small piece of happiness back to someone. But not everyone wanted help, or happiness or saving…
For the first time in his life, Ikkaku thought maybe he should just give up.
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Date: 2005-10-20 02:19 am (UTC)But I can really see Nemu reacting that way. If someone who tried to coax her out of her shell died, she'd probably retreat right back in. *sniffle*
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Date: 2005-10-20 02:23 am (UTC)So much love for this fic. *happycling*
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Date: 2005-10-20 02:32 am (UTC)Even though I knew it going to happen, it's so sad that Kaien and his wife died.
And poor Ikkaku and Nemu. They deserve so much more. It was nice of Ikkaku to try and cheer up Rukia. ^^
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Date: 2005-10-20 02:46 am (UTC)Some basic grammatical comments/corrections, if I may:
"'It’s different than when we talk about someone else. See, she actually speaks about Urahara-taichou quite a bit. But she remembers you. You’re the only one that she gets that look for.'"
Just the word "than" here...and I thought it might add more to it if you used the words "quite a bit" to the indicated sentence.
"And then said deliberately, 'On her own.'"
I'm not sure what, but something about that bit there doesn't sound right...it might need some punctuation in there. I'll get back to you if anything comes to mind.
Oh man, this teacher strike is killing my brain...there were others, but meh, I can't remember. Awesome job, as usual; keep up the good work!
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Date: 2005-10-20 02:52 am (UTC)Nemu keeps dancing in my head like that. She'll be feeling bold and adventerous until I actually start writing, then she'll be all reclusive again.
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Date: 2005-10-20 02:53 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-10-20 02:54 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-10-20 02:55 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-10-20 02:56 am (UTC)Besides, I like seeing if anyone catches things. It makes me feel sorta like people really ARE reading what I'm writing!
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Date: 2005-10-20 03:17 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-10-20 03:21 am (UTC)Okay, I knew it was going to happen. I knew Kaien was gonna die but...but... *sobs like a baby*
This is really, really, really good, in the you're-torturing-us-by-not-letting-these-two-get-together-but-it's-so-in-character-and-good-that-we-keep-coming-back-for-more way. My that was long...
Seriously, though, this felt really in character (and you still do a perfect Ikkaku) and as sad as I was when she told him to stop, it felt...right. It felt true to what would happen in reality, because in my mind, until she's strong enough on her own to stand up to her father she won't be able to let herself be with Ikkaku (*coughDIEMAYURIDIE!cough*).
Minor grammar stuff to end with.
"He probably grew up wanting someone to help him and look out for him and probably resents the face no one did,"
Should be "fact" instead of "face"
"There wasn’t any one person Kaien didn’t great with a smile."
Should be "greet" not "great"
"He eat like he was starving"
Should be "ate" not "eat"
"She didn’t know if she were strong enough to live without that little part she’d give to her most important. She didn’t know if she were brave enough to die twice in the name of her love."
I'm _thinking_ that it should be "was" instead of "were," because with "were" the sentence reads a little funny…
"Is that going to be the choice you stand by.”
Question mark.
"If that’s you’re choice."
Should be "your," not "you're."
"It took ever holier-than-thou asshole Ikkaku had known growing up and rolling them into one,"
Should be "every," not "ever"
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Date: 2005-10-20 03:21 am (UTC)You can either call me idiosyn or Virgo, as that's seems to be my more proficient penname^^
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Date: 2005-10-20 03:27 am (UTC)And I'll take your word for the 'were' to 'was' thing. You're more schooled at this sort of stuff than I am. I just string together words that sound relatively good together :P
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Date: 2005-10-20 03:48 am (UTC)....*Cries* Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
R.I.P Kaien and his wife. T_T
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Ikkaku and Nemu 'ship almost got on the right track! T_T
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Date: 2005-10-20 03:50 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-10-20 03:55 am (UTC)I didn't see that Rukia scene. o.o
WAS I BLIND!? >_>
*Read it again*
Oh....... I see it now. o.o
BLOODY THING WAS AT THE END! o.o
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Date: 2005-10-20 03:56 am (UTC)Just might take a while with them. >_>
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Date: 2005-10-20 04:36 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-10-20 05:18 am (UTC)Good job! I'm interested to see where you're going with this now.
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Date: 2005-10-20 09:05 am (UTC)2) T____________________________________T
Even knowing that the Shibas will die and Ikkaku & Nemu will not get together, it's still sad when you read the part.
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Date: 2005-10-20 01:19 pm (UTC)I initially thought that part 2 will be the end, but seems that its not so! And I think you really have Ikkaku and Nemu in-character. I really like the last bit of conversation between Ikkaku and Nemu. And oh, this line too:
And perhaps it was selfish but Nemu didn’t want to force her love to die twice in her name.
This didn't make me cry (although I was pretty upset with Kaien's death and the angst/melancholy of whole fic), but it makes me hungry, and thirsty for the next one. :)
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Date: 2005-10-20 10:39 pm (UTC)Like I said, at this point, /I'm/ surprised at the people that show up, so keep an eye open XD
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Date: 2005-10-20 10:40 pm (UTC)2) It really sucked writing it, too. Especially because you know it had to be done.
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Date: 2005-10-20 10:41 pm (UTC)The next chapter was such a relief to write because people are FINALLY getting their heads straightXP
And I'll go change his name. Thanks for the heads up!
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Date: 2005-10-21 04:03 am (UTC)Some really great character development in these chapters even if they seem to be temporarily regressing. It's nice to see Ikkaku and Nemu getting that little push to get them going. And I think you're absolutely right about Ikkaku being the type to want someone to protect. ♥
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Date: 2005-10-21 09:41 pm (UTC)Well, even a bit of regression is a type of character development, getting to see them when they're at their worst. But, yes, I find it hard to imagine Ikkaku NOT having something or someone he wants to fight for. Glad you like it^^
BTW, that quote fits Izuru to a 't'- and not just because I adore that book XD
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Date: 2005-10-21 10:29 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-10-25 11:49 pm (UTC)"if you’re not cheatin’, you’re not tryin’ hard enough"
You have Ikkaku DOWN.