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ajremix....the crack ate my brain.
Title: House Call
Fandom: Bleach
Rating: PG
Word Count: 604
Characters: Zaraki, Unohana
Summary: Inspired by a passage from![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
peroxide_fic’s Flashes of Brilliance. Zaraki misses a medical exam.
A month ago, the 4th division sent him a reminder that he had his bi-yearly physical. Yeah. Whatever. The day before he was supposed to go in, they sent him another reminder because he was a captain and captains are generally busy people so this is just a friendly reminder. You know. In case you forgot.
That went into Yachiru’s coloring pile, along with the first reminder.
The very next morning, he didn’t go to his physical because, feh! He was a strong, healthy guy! Who the hell could ever give HIM a hard time? No one’s been able to touch him in years and he never got sick for as long as he could remember so what was the big fuckin’ deal?
And the morning after, a 4th division member come to his door and said that he didn’t make his appointment. Zaraki told him to fuck off ‘cause he had better things to do then let people waste an hour of his time tellin’ him somethin’ he already knew thank you very much and if you don’t get outta my face, Yachiru here’s gonna make you her pet for the day because the last one ran away a week ago.
That afternoon, Zaraki was mildly surprised to see Unohana-taichou on his doorstep.
“Yeah?” He asked her, already knowing what this was about. “What’d ya want?”
“You missed your appointment yesterday, Zaraki-taichou.” She said lightly, smiling as if she had come in for a cup of tea. Or whatever it is people drink and play nice over these days. “If you were too busy to make it, you should have let me know. Being a captain takes up a lot of time, I know. I would have sent someone over to give you a physical here.”
And then she brought out a thermometer from her sleeve. It looked about as thick as Yachiru’s wrist.
A shiver went down Zaraki’s spine. “All right, all right.” He said with the most nonchalant voice he could manage. “Let’s get this over with.” And opened his mouth wide.
But Unohana’s bright smile didn’t change in the least. “Oh, no, Zaraki-taichou. I’m afraid this doesn’t go in your mouth.”
His jaw clicked closed.
…….
“Wait- What?”
But she kept smiling.
“Are you serious?”
Nod.
Zaraki swallowed. Judged about how far he could run from her and how long he could last out in the Rukongai before someone found him.
“Now, Zaraki-taichou. It won’t be so bad. I even brought lubricant for it.”
He face-palmed.
“……….dammit. Hold on a minute.”
He had someone get Yachiru, Ikkaku and Yumichika. When his three top officers stood outside his office, Zaraki told them to get everyone in the division and go on a surprise overnight survival mission.
“What? But, captain! No one’s prepared to-“
“That’s why it’s called a surprise, dumbass. If there’s anyone that hasn’t left the division in the next five minutes, I’m makin’ you three clean the fuckin’ sewers for the next month, got it?”
Three mouths opened to protest. Then their gazes swiveled to Unohana, sitting patiently and smiling brightly over Zaraki’s shoulder. They blanched and took off, kicking everyone out of the gates as they went.
An hour later, he had to deal with messengers from both the 10th and 12th divisions wondering what all the cursing and shouting was and rumors started connecting that to a rather smug looking Unohana walking unescorted out of the 11th division gates.
Zaraki didn’t particularly care what the rumors said about him or the 4th division captain, but it had to be a helluva lot better than what DID happen…
Title: House Call
Fandom: Bleach
Rating: PG
Word Count: 604
Characters: Zaraki, Unohana
Summary: Inspired by a passage from
peroxide_fic’s Flashes of Brilliance. Zaraki misses a medical exam.A month ago, the 4th division sent him a reminder that he had his bi-yearly physical. Yeah. Whatever. The day before he was supposed to go in, they sent him another reminder because he was a captain and captains are generally busy people so this is just a friendly reminder. You know. In case you forgot.
That went into Yachiru’s coloring pile, along with the first reminder.
The very next morning, he didn’t go to his physical because, feh! He was a strong, healthy guy! Who the hell could ever give HIM a hard time? No one’s been able to touch him in years and he never got sick for as long as he could remember so what was the big fuckin’ deal?
And the morning after, a 4th division member come to his door and said that he didn’t make his appointment. Zaraki told him to fuck off ‘cause he had better things to do then let people waste an hour of his time tellin’ him somethin’ he already knew thank you very much and if you don’t get outta my face, Yachiru here’s gonna make you her pet for the day because the last one ran away a week ago.
That afternoon, Zaraki was mildly surprised to see Unohana-taichou on his doorstep.
“Yeah?” He asked her, already knowing what this was about. “What’d ya want?”
“You missed your appointment yesterday, Zaraki-taichou.” She said lightly, smiling as if she had come in for a cup of tea. Or whatever it is people drink and play nice over these days. “If you were too busy to make it, you should have let me know. Being a captain takes up a lot of time, I know. I would have sent someone over to give you a physical here.”
And then she brought out a thermometer from her sleeve. It looked about as thick as Yachiru’s wrist.
A shiver went down Zaraki’s spine. “All right, all right.” He said with the most nonchalant voice he could manage. “Let’s get this over with.” And opened his mouth wide.
But Unohana’s bright smile didn’t change in the least. “Oh, no, Zaraki-taichou. I’m afraid this doesn’t go in your mouth.”
His jaw clicked closed.
…….
“Wait- What?”
But she kept smiling.
“Are you serious?”
Nod.
Zaraki swallowed. Judged about how far he could run from her and how long he could last out in the Rukongai before someone found him.
“Now, Zaraki-taichou. It won’t be so bad. I even brought lubricant for it.”
He face-palmed.
“……….dammit. Hold on a minute.”
He had someone get Yachiru, Ikkaku and Yumichika. When his three top officers stood outside his office, Zaraki told them to get everyone in the division and go on a surprise overnight survival mission.
“What? But, captain! No one’s prepared to-“
“That’s why it’s called a surprise, dumbass. If there’s anyone that hasn’t left the division in the next five minutes, I’m makin’ you three clean the fuckin’ sewers for the next month, got it?”
Three mouths opened to protest. Then their gazes swiveled to Unohana, sitting patiently and smiling brightly over Zaraki’s shoulder. They blanched and took off, kicking everyone out of the gates as they went.
An hour later, he had to deal with messengers from both the 10th and 12th divisions wondering what all the cursing and shouting was and rumors started connecting that to a rather smug looking Unohana walking unescorted out of the 11th division gates.
Zaraki didn’t particularly care what the rumors said about him or the 4th division captain, but it had to be a helluva lot better than what DID happen…
